our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
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Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
somebody come look at this
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
The struggle is real.
This classic never gets old . . .
*puts my mental health in rice
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Wednesday
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me: