Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
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Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff