Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
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When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”