[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
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*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.