I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
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The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
This bar smells like my childhood.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”