Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
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Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Sharon I have some bad news
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
is nasa ok
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Happy Halloween 🎃
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training