I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
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My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Cake safety first. Always.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?