I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
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Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance