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Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem