Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
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Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Not even remotely sorry.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.