I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
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GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday