Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
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It’s an epidemic…
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”