Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
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In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
How did we not see this back then?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.