Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
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Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.