Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
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My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off