Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
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I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
The Book. The Movie.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.