Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
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If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
This could be us, but you weedin’.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.