By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
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I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
tourist season
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills