Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
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[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me