my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
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“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
she has a point
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
PARKOUR
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.