my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
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The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I’d rather go liquor treating.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.