Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
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[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Me irl
This fish is cracking me up
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree