My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
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If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium