Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
You Might Also Like
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?