Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
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[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
screw you
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’