me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
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When your man makes a valid point
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
uh oh
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
sensitive skin
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Them: Just act casual
Me:
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.