Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
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Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
My biological clock is wheezing.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
If I ignore life will it go away?
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.