Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
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This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…