5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
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AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world