If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
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[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Did my cat write this
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone