Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
HELP 😭
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Me trying to reach for my goals