Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
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[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.