Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
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At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.