“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
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Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Boating season is upon us.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I wish I were this cool 😂
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back