Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
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These aren’t even hard anymore.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Stop making fast and furious movies.