I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
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When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Social Media and Real life
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?