*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
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Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level