The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
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You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
same energy
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Duck typos.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.