You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
You Might Also Like
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Posting this on behalf of a friend
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.