Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
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Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
This forever.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.