As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
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After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner