‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
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Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
still the best tweet of the year by far
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope