Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
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H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.