I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
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My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.