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*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Denise please return my vape pen
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.