When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
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I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
felt that
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
oh u like geography? name every lake
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time