3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
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Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?