Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
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I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
fourth time’s the charm
just make the entire table out of coaster
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]