Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
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I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I’m giving up ice.