My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
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I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex